Educational Consulting with the "Failure to Launch" generation; what does independence really mean?

Last week, after spending the day at the School Connections meeting in Boston, MA, I treated myself with a date, a date with my college freshman daughter.  It’s always hard to get a few minutes with her, between her studying (ha!) and basketball practice/games and me running my own business, it’s a rare moment that this Dad can sneak away and have an uninterrupted dinner with his (now) adult daughter. 

During the course of our dinner between mouthfuls and small talk about her sister and my parents, there was a silence, and then she exclaimed, “You know I really do live on my own now.  Think about it, I get myself to classes, practice and games, get my own meals and don’t have to tell anyone where I’m going” Almost immediately I thought, well if you truly live on your own I guess I can pass along these tuition bills to you, but I suppressed that somewhat sarcastic response and just sat back, smiled and watched her as she explained to me the rigors of being in college.

After I got back from dinner I started thinking about what my daughter has talked about, and it got me thinking; what does independence really mean?  I’m sure we all have different definitions – is it living outside of the home?  On your own?  Or is it when you get your first job and that heavily coveted paycheck.  Maybe it is as my daughter says and it’s when you head off to college or basic training. 

Here’s the kicker; it doesn't matter what your perception if independence is; it’s what their perception is. 

Think about it, if a child feels independent, in their mind then they are.  Now what that independence looks like, and whether we agree that they truly are independent is a whole different discussion.  Also a different discussion is why we seem to have such a huge number of dependent, or failure to launch young adults on our hands these days.  Certainly theories abound; kids are growing up too fast, there’s too much technology, kids aren’t responsible enough, poor diets, poor parenting, they’re just lazy, we’re just lazy etc. etc. These are debates which are larger than this little blog, but whatever the reason(s) the reality is that there are a growing number of kids not taking what we consider the traditional path to adulthood.

This trend has impact across the board.  In the Independent Educational Consultant world, it means what we refer to as the young adult market has exploded.  While not a scientific study, anecdotally the young adult portion of Loeta’s business has gone from less than 10% in 2009 to nearly 50% today.  Coinciding with this has been an explosion of young adult programming in our field.  Whether it be wilderness programs, augmented rehab programming or residential therapeutic programs the choices are becoming wider and more varied. 

Some of these programs do a great job of giving these clients an avenue to utilize the tools they have gained over the years while getting them set up in a new city in school or the workforce, while others start from step one with intense therapy and/or treatment.  Some are a shorter more intense programs while others take up to a year to support their clients. A young person can now choose a college based on the college’s counseling and what kind of sobriety support they have; indeed we have come a long ways from Faber College.

At Loeta we spend a lot of our time on the road visiting these programs, just as we do with the adolescent programs, we get to know the people, we spend time with the clients, and we work with the clients on helping choose just the right program for them.  It’s a different process than the one when we work with families of adolescents, we acknowledge the independence of the adults we are working with, and work in conjunction with them, the programs and parents to help chart out a path.  It’s a very collaborative process, and one we are proud of.

So after dinner, I paid (of course), and we walked back to my “T” stop. After a hug goodbye, I watched her run across the street on her way up to her dorm and I though there goes a truly independent young woman, or, as I like to think of her, my little girl.

You Are What You WUPHF; Or The Changing Face of Independent Educational Consulting

Recently I was catching up on some shows I had recorded on my DVR, and I found myself involved in a 3 hour marathon of “The Office”. One episode which really stood out was last year’s season finale where Ryan developed a new social media mega-site called WUPHF. On WUPHF (pronounced Woof) you could link all of your contact information into one account so when you received one thing, say a fax, it would come through on all of your accounts. There is one great scene where Ryan is in his closet/office and everything starts ringing/buzzing and chirping at him at the same time… Of course typical of the show, they beat the joke into the ground (anyone who knows my family, knows why I love this humor so much) and by the end the WUPHF sounds completely ridiculous.

But is it?

Sure we don’t WUPHF, but if 15 years ago I had uttered this sentence; “Hey, got your RSS Feed, and I’m going to link it through to my Facebook and Twitter in a few; you mind if I blog about it too?” You most likely would have looked at me as quizzically as you would if I told you you’d be struggling with the decision of whether to get the iPad2 with or without the 3G capabilities. It’s true, what once seemed crazy is now normal.

In a similar vein, the field of Educational Consulting has grown in ways no-one could have imagined. While 15 years ago there were some incredible people doing amazing work, it was in many ways, a cottage industry. One was able, through hard work and word of mouth, to build and maintain a strong, profitable business. For good or bad, that is no more. The new normal is that there are now over 800 members of IECA , the majority of these new members go through a 5 day rigorous training session, the IECA Conferences now draw over 1,000 participants per conference on average and IEC’s, in general, are more trained and specialized than ever before. In addition, most IEC’s have websites, Twitter accounts, Facebook accounts and many Blog (which is an awesome verb by the way). And, most importantly for those of us who are IEC’s, more and more families are utilizing our services. Now please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying all of this change is for the better; I feel that many of our more seasoned consultants can teach us all a thing or two about more traditional office practices, like phone calls, face to face time and word of mouth advertising, but this change is, for better or worse, normal.

At Loeta we look to these new ideas as opportunities, not only opportunities to present and promote Loeta Educational Consultants, but, more importantly, to promote the field of Educational Consulting. As members of today’s IECA, we are able to combine these new technologies, both within IECA and the schools themselves, with the more traditional aspects of school or program evaluation to assist us in developing not only a strong rapport with the schools, but also a stellar reputation as independent voices for our clients. There isn’t another profession which can lay claim to that fact.

Now we don’t have the hubris to think we know where all of this electronic media is going, but we do like the fact that IEC’s, partnering with IECA, are able to use these various social media tools, known and future, to spread the word of Educational Consulting as a profession. We look forward to that day when the first thing a family thinks of when they have a educational decision - whether it be for college, boarding school or wilderness therapy - will be to reach out to their neighborhood Independent Educational Consultant…

And who knows, maybe they’ll WUPHF us…



Learn about WUPHF here…

"Parenting Teens in the Age of Facebook" or "You Did WHAT Last Night?"

This morning I was scrolling through my Facebook page and came across a poll which my daughter had filled out. It was pretty benign stuff really; whom she had texted last, who was her last “crush” etc. Actually many of her answers amused me, but reading it made me think about two things; how much I know about my 15 year old and how little my parents really knew about me as a 15 year old…

I KNOW I don’t know everything about my child; as a matter of fact I can honestly say I don’t want to know everything my daughter does, there are certain things a Dad just doesn’t need to know. But it did get me thinking about the amount of information we as parents and adolescents have today about each other as opposed to only one generation ago and how that has changed how parents and children look at each other.

With the exploding popularity of electronic connection and social media, it is even harder for parents to hold the line. We all know that many teens are connected seemingly 24/7, but what is really blurring the line is parental use of these same social outlets. Parents have their own Facebook pages, they text, they tweet, they post videos to YouTube. And, like kids, they often post things on the internet which they later regret. Parents are, for lack of a better word, more humanized than parents of previous generations. I didn’t know what my Dad did at his 25th high school reunion, but a quick glance of Facebook will tell you what countless 40 somethings were up to at theirs.

One thing that comes along with this more open virtual dialogue between adults and teens (because let’s face it, because of our voyeuristic tendencies many of us find ourselves reading these on line polls and questionnaires) is that we feel we as parents know what our kids are up to and they’ll tell us everything because we’re their friends.

We don’t and they won’t.

In my work as an Independent Educational Consultant, there are two rules I tell my families about, the first is the 80/20 rule. The 80/20 rule is pretty simple; parents think they know about 80% of what their children do, and they really know about 20%. Think about it for a minute, how much did your parents know? I know what you’re thinking; “But I’m his friend on Facebook.” or “She always texts me when she’s someplace safe.” The reality is that it is normal for teens to rebel; it’s a part of growing up and we are fooling ourselves if we feel our kids are any different.

The second rule is pretty simple also; we are parents first. Our kids have enough friends, they only have 2 parents. We must remember that our number one job is to be the parent, and that our decisions must be made as parents. We have to accept that we will sometimes be unpopular and that’s ok because it’s our job.

It’s not all doom and gloom, there is a lot of good that comes from this new openness between parents and children. I think that there is a strong upside to having parents more humanized; it shows that we too have our own struggles, conflicts and issues, and I feel quite strongly that the more children and parents openly dialogue the more we can have our children feel confident that they can come to us with issues and concerns.

But, as the old adage goes, take it all with a grain of salt.

By the way, in an earlier Facebook question my daughter talked about me being the “coolest Daddio in the whole world”

I bought it.

So yes; I am wrapped around her little finger, but i know it, so that makes it ok. Right?

Remember the good old days back in 2010…

Recently I got sucked into one of those TV infomercials trying to sell music from the 50’s. I was amused as the overly botoxed hosts told me that this music defined a generation. Come on, defined a generation? This is the stuff my parents listened to; therefore it can’t be that good. Smug I agree, but that’s what was going through my mind. I mean really, how could Pat Boone and The Everly Brothers define a generation?

After skimming through the channels some more, and almost buying a Mr. T Flavor Wave Oven (that’s a story for another day) I got to thinking; it’s hard for someone of my generation to believe, but yes, at one point Elvis was banned from television (well at least from the waist down) because of his pelvic gyrations and that there were many people who found him, Rock and Roll (when was Roll dropped anyway?) and this new concept of teenagers to be very scary stuff. Many adults of that time felt that this was going to be the downfall of America as they knew it, and that we as a society were doomed. Of course we all know we did make it through that time, and now we all look back at those concerns as, well, quaint really.

When I hear adults these days talk about all teens today are disrespectful, or their music has no soul, or things were different when they were kids, I have a hard time. Today most teens in America are exhibiting their natural rebellion; just as their parents and generations before them did against their parents, and, just like our parents didn’t get us, we don’t get them. Rebellion is a normal, and I would argue necessary, aspect of growing up. Where I feel parents get into trouble is when they don’t counter this rebellion with natural consequences, and as a result I feel many parents find themselves in a position where they can’t differentiate between normal behavior and accepted behavior.

At Loeta we preach that just because a behavior is accepted does not make it normal. It’s normal for a kid to experiment with alcohol and pot; it’s not normal for them to steal from their parents to pay for the habit. It’s normal for a teenage girl to roll her eyes at her father when he just doesn’t get her, it’s not normal for a child to let loose with a string of curses which would make a sailor blush when asked to take out the garbage.

Part of our role as Independent Educational Consultants is to work with families to try to differentiate between these normal and accepted behaviors. Most of the time by the time a family calls us they feel they are at their wit’s end. Honestly in our first interaction with families we end up doing a lot of listening, trying to determine where the family is emotionally and and we make sure that any decisions being made are proactive as opposed to reactive. In short we want to make sure that whatever recommendation we make is appropriate to the situation. In some cases we end up steering families back to their home therapists or school counselors because, quite honestly, things really aren’t that bad; their children are simply feeling their way through adolescence. When we do end up assisting them in finding appropriate residential settings, whether that mean a wilderness program, a residential treatment center or a boarding school, it is always done with care, and the best interest of the child in mind.

The issues facing families today are different than generations before, yes. But I’d argue that is true of every generation, and we’re doing our teens today a disservice if we either underplay or overplay these events or factors and don’t do our job as parents, stewards and guardians of the next generation of adults. Just remember these famous words said recently,

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for
authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place
of exercise Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their
households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They
contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties
at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.

Ok, not that recently, those words are attributed to the Greek philosopher Socrates, but you get the idea. This issue of how to handle or deal with adolescents has perplexed adults for literally thousands of years, and will continue for thousands more. Someday our children will look back on the good old days of the 10’s as fondly as other generations look back on the 50’s 70 or the 80’s and wonder what’s wrong with their children. Until then, however, it is our job to guide them, educate them, discipline them and love them until their old enough to actually have that epiphany.

Wait, the 80’s, the era of E.T., Rubix cubes and Mr. T. That reminds me, time to go check my Flavor Wave, tonight I made a cheesecake!